Blasphemer!
by Silver-Penned Devil
Summary: It's New Year's Eve, and House and Wilson are in church. House tries to get Wilson laid. Wilson is not amused. Oneshot, dialogue-only.


_It is New Years Eve night. House and Wilson are seated at the very back of a large cathedral. The priest can hardly be heard from where they are sitting. They are whispering back and forth to each other, though House is making no effort to remain quiet._

"I'm only here because you bought me a new television."

"Be quiet, House."

"We can't even hear the priest, how's he going to hear us? Relax."

"It's not the priest who I'm worried about."

"What, you're worried about the people around us?"

"Yes."

"Would it embarrass you, then, if I said 'penis' really loudly?"

"…"

"Penis. Penis. Penis. PENI-"

"House, shut UP."

_Brief silence._

"I never thought you bought the whole invisible-man-in-the-sky-watching-over-you thing. I mean, seriously. I know you pretend to, so it comforts your dying patients—"

"House—"

"—But if you think about it, and you believe in it, this God guy is watching you _all the time. _When you're on the toilet. When you're having a shower. When you're having sex—"

"We are in a _church. _Can't you behave like a decent person for once and shut up for a second?"

"Okay."

_Pauses for exactly one second._

"But really, I'm interested. Don't you feel uncomfortable when you're, like, masturba-"

"Oh dear lord. How many times do I have to say it? _Shut. Up._"

"Is your dear lord going to strike me down with lightning for saying naughty words in his temple? Because I actually _will_ shut up if he is."

"Yes. He is."

_Silence for a minute. _

"Wilson?"

"…"

"Wilson?"

"What is it now?"

"There's a really hot mom sitting in front of us. A bit to the right."

_Wilson ignores him, stares straight ahead._

"You're missing out, you know. I can't see her face but she has an amazing ass."

"I'm not interested."

"Oh, did I scare you when I said that your god is watching you all the time? Because, you know, he doesn't _really _exist. It's just a fairy-story. So you needn't worry."

_Woman in front turns around._

"Sorry, could you two quieten down a bit, perhaps?"

"Of course, of course, I'm so sorry."

"Thank you."

"We're doctors, lady. This stuff has medical and scientific relevance. You probably didn't notice that because you spent a lot of your life in a church, worshipping an imaginary guy in the clouds. You're praying to a false god."

_Woman ignores him, resumes her seat._

"_Blasphemer!" _

"House!"

"What? She is. Her god isn't real."

"Just have some respect, okay?"

"Okay. Hey, look at your date. She's walking up to get the bread of Christ. Or is that body? Eww."

"It's the body. And she's not my date. She has _children _with her_._"

"But I thought you'd be into that. You've been married so many times, Wilson, and you haven't got any of your own. Don't you just long for the pitter-patter of tiny demonic feet?"

"Not really."

"Oh well. She has a pretty face too. And oh my gods, would you look at that _rack." _

"House, stop objectifying the poor woman."

"But she's wearing a really low top, why would she do that if she didn't want some compliments?"

"Maybe she liked the colour?"

"Nah. Come on, Wilson, look at her, she's hot. If she's hot, say that she is. No use keeping those feeling bottled up. You know what happens if you do."

"What?"

"You marry the first woman who laughs at one of your jokes."

"If I say she's hot, will you shut up?"

"Maybe."

"Fine then. She's hot."

_Silence. House scribbles something on a piece of paper, and then:_

"Pssht!"

"House, what are you doing?"

_Woman they are talking about turns around. House points to Wilson._

"He thinks you're hot. This is his number. You should call him sometime. I hear he's _really, really _good in bed."

_Hands the paper with the number to the woman, who takes it, and looks both insulted and confused. Wilson blushes uncontrollably. The woman turns around again._

"What did you do that for?"

"You're shy, Wilson. You weren't ready, so I asked her out for you. See, she accepted your number, didn't she? You've as good as nailed it. You're basically married now."

"…"

"What's wrong?"

"I'm not talking to you."

"Why not? I got you laid!"

"Jesus Christ, you are the most egoistical, childish, annoying, and arrogant bastard I have ever met."

"I know. You just broke a commandment, you know. '_James Wilson, thou shalt not take the name of your God in vain.'_ And in a _church _too. You're a real rebel."

"That's it. We're leaving."

"But I was just starting to have fun. I converted you to atheism and got you laid. If we stayed another twenty minutes, who knows, I could have made you President!"

"Come on, get up."

_They leave the cathedral. The next day, they are watching TV in House's apartment. _

"This TV you bought me is terrible, Wilson."

"I paid one thousand five hundred dollars for it!"

"You need to at least double that, then add on another three hundred and multiply by six to get anything worth buying these days. I can't believe that's how much you value our friendship. You should return this and get me a new one that's 3D. Imagine all the porn—"

_Wilson sighs, and his phones rings. After a few minutes, he puts it down again._

"Hey, who was that?"

"It was the lady you asked out for me at the church. She—she just, well, she just asked if I was free Thursday."

"And you say you can't trust me, Wilson."

"Yeah. Yeah… I just can't believe it. Why would she…"

"I believe in method, Wilson. And I have my methods."

* * *

**A/N - **It has been pointed out to me that Wilson is actually Jewish- this is a silly mistake on my part, and one that at some time I will get around to changing. Anyway, thank you for reading!


End file.
